we're going to get sexy for a minute

life has been a series of euphoric highs and crushing lows lately!

on saturday I went to go see Baroness with tinycreepshow. SO MANY BEARDS YOU GUYS. it's not very often that I get to see one of my favorite bands play in a tiny, shitty little venue, so, you know. I bought a really ugly shirt but it's too small so if anyone wants a small, ugly shirt for a really awesome band, I will totally sell it to you.

and in news that makes me want to kill myself, the other night I was cleaning the apartment and I fucking stepped on a SHARD OF GLASS which then EMBEDDED ITSELF IN MY FOOT and FUCK. jensen went after it with some tweezers for like an hour and it was seriously the worst hour of my life. but the fun wasn't over there! the next day we went to the ER to get the glass out because I couldn't walk, and I had to get shots of lidocaine DIRECTLY INTO MY FOOT so he could cut the glass out. the doctor was like "it's kewl, this is a 30g needle" and I was like "oh thats kewl, it's like the size of a sewing needle" and NO IT WASN'T KEWL. that hurt so fucking much.

anyway the piece of glass was seriously tiny and I felt like a giant idiot and I keep thinking about those fucking lidocaine shots and flipping my shit because seriously you guys, seriously.

anyway, now we're at my parents' house for a week where we will do what we usually do: eat, sleep, and make fun of my dad.

and finally, here is the most amazing video of all time, it's my amazing dog maya giving my boyfriend a kiss. maya is, in addition to being one of the most fantastic animals to ever exist, TOTES IN LOVES with my boyfriend. she follows him around everywhere and gazes at him lovingly. it is god damn precious.

I just deleted a whole bunch of people who are boring and/or never updated! if you're not deleted, it's because you're special and not boring! COOOOOOL

if you are actually not boring then you should totally tell me and I will add you back, because I am a fair and kind dictator.

I wonder if I will ever figure out how I feel about some things.

is cosmetic surgery a feminist choice? is it feminist to support women who decide to get cosmetic surgery? why do I have a problem with it in the first place, since it is essentially body modification (albeit a different side of the same exact coin)? I have a problem with the kind of homogeneous image of women that tends to pressure people into getting surgery, but these women are making their own choices and (hopefully) choosing to make themselves happier with how they look. but how is my choice to get tattooed any different from that? I am just fixing my body so that it looks how I want it to look.

I like to think that I truly believe, from the bottom of my bleeding liberal heart, that people should have absolute agency over their own bodies, free to do whatever they want with it.

but if that were true, then why do I have such a problem with porn (and yet I still watch it)? why do I have a problem with cosmetic surgery? why do I still unconsciously judge people for the choices they make? I know, humans are ~hardwired~ to judge and categorize. I DON'T KNOW MY BRAIN HURTS.

in other news, DC was awesome and I have a lot of pictures and I will post them at some point when I am done ranting about stupid crap apparently.

more than anything else, the bullshit, hateful, ignorant christian apologist fuckwittery regarding gay marriage makes me want to cry.

your god damn fairy tale is ruining people's lives. you arrogant shitstains think your book of bedtime stories is a valid resource regarding what OTHER HUMAN BEINGS who are NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU are allowed to do in their own private time. you think that because a shitty old book tells you that gay people are flawed and "sinful," then they are inferior and need to be policed, need to be told what they can and can't do with their genuine emotions and choices. their choices do not affect you, the same way a person's choice to believe (or not believe) in any god they choose does not affect you, the same way a woman's choice to abort her unwanted fetus does not affect you, the same way my decision to fuck whomever I choose before I enter your so-called "sanctity of marriage" does not ever, and will not ever, affect any of you busybody sons of bitches.

god isn't real. you fucking know it, even if you won't admit it. you are all making idiots of yourselves, kowtowing to some cosmic illusion that is having very real, very hurtful consequences down here on earth, where actual human beings actually exist and have actual emotions and actual opinions different than yours.

love thy fucking neighbor, you hypocritical fucks. you christians could learn a thing or two from those crazy bastards, the jews: eat shitty food, drink shitty wine, complain about everything, and most of all, leave everyone else the fuck alone.

I truly could not force myself to give a shit if this post offends you. I realize petty name-calling is not constructive and does nothing to reverse the incredibly negative perceptions of atheists and anti-theists, but I am sick of trying to control my anger. I am sick of simply tolerating the ignorant bullshit that I am overwhelmed with every day. I am sick of being polite to the poor, oppressed religious people while they try and force their idiocy and morals on me, on my family, on my friends.

this weekend jensen and I are going to washington, DC for a few days! and for a totally awesome reason, too!

there's this fancy telescope that's been floating around in space for a year, and it's called the Fermi Gamma Ray Space Awesome Telescope Laser Fuck, or something like that. and anyway NASA is throwing this big shindig called the 2009 Fermi Symposium, to look back at a year's worth of the awesome cool things that the Fermi Gamma Ray Lasertron telescope has recorded, which I'm guessing is mostly gamma rays. and so jensen is playing in the orchestra that'll be performing for the event, and there will be scientists there, apparently.

fuck! space! NASA! science! also, jensen has to wear a tuxedo for the concert! THERE IS NOTHING THAT ISN'T TOTALLY FUCKING SWEET ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION!

in unrelated news, a few days ago I started writing. the reason why this is momentous is because I haven't written anything other than a snarky comment on an LJ post or a witty email to my dad in over 5 years. high school totally slaughtered my creative drive for whatever reason. I just completely lost my ability and my desire to write, which was fucking heartbreaking because up until then, I had always been a writer, I would write constantly and I filled notebooks with stuff. I missed the fulfillment that came from writing. but suddenly, over the last two days, I have pooped out like 7 pages of crappy writing that I am incredibly proud of (even though it is bad), and all I want to do now is write. PRETTY COOL.

that's all! now I am gonna go make jensen rub my feet and tell me I'm pretty.

so I have been thinking for a while about scalpelling my ears! the little bastards refuse to stretch. I've been taping for months, but if I add a single layer of tape to my plugs, wrapped as tight as possible and drowned in emu oil, the plugs will still not go in my ears. I don't think I'll cut much, probably just 1mm or 2mm, since I'm hoping to eventually get to 1/2" or 9/16", and I'm at 0g now. it is kind of exciting! scalpels! blood! shiny things in my ears! but now I just need to find someone in boston who will do it. this is the hard part, because 97% of piercers in boston are giant fucking idiots.

so, after working my ass off at the gym, I weighed myself last week and I actually gained 3 pounds. I don't know why that bothered me so much but it did. I am fat and pissed, so I ate a ton of ice cream. obviously a good solution.

the bakery down the street from me is hiring! so I am applying! I doubt they will hire me since I have roughly zero experience, but I tried very hard to communicate to them that I consume my entire weight in baked treats on a daily basis, so I am extremely qualified to work in a store full of tasty baked treats.

yesterday was jensen's birthday and I fucking spoiled the fuck out of him. I baked him cupcakes from scratch (while wearing minimal clothing, as per his request) and then we went and spent like $150 on indian food at some fancy place. then we came home and watched a documentary about harry potter fags and farted on each other. A PRETTY HOT DATE.

today was day 2 of my new favorite hobby: Workin' The Fuck Out Yeah. I never in my entire life thought I would be really stoked about going to the gym, but there it is! it's so fucking hard and so ridiculously fun, and I am really stoked to be all strong and made of muscles. soon I will be covering myself in baby oil and flexing in the mirror while talking about acquiring tickets to the gun show.

HOWEVER, INTERNET! due to this recent development, I have come to you requiring your help once again: I need music to work out to!

right now I have pretty much just been listening to like gypsy folk and post-rock and psych pop. not exactly ideal music to make me want to PUMP HELLA IRON or whatever it is that I do now. I guess I just need some music that would hypothetically make me want to dance really hard. I tend to dance around my apartment in my underwear to really cheesy metal/hardcore like Entombed, or really cheesy indie pop like Phoenix. but I don't know how I would find more of this music because I never really listen to it!

what music do you listen to if/when you work out?! extra points if it is actually good while also being energizing!

here is my last.fm if you want to see what I listen to otherwise: last.fm/sparrowsfeet

I don't understand it. it has been over 2 years since I met jensen for the first time. everything about our relationship as it is now is still totally mind-boggling to me.

when we first met, we both tried as hard as we could to keep our distance, hold each other at arm's length, stay emotionally disconnected from each other and from everything else in our lives. for more than a year we played this stupid game, both of us thinking that the other one didn't care at all. but somehow the charade didn't stick; he left boston, I dissolved into suffocating loneliness and refused to admit the reason, even to myself. he refused to give in to how much he missed me, and I refused to let him know how much I desperately needed him.

and somehow the both of us, total opposites in so many ways, came together perfectly and fell into some dysfunctional retarded version of the fairy-tale love story. everything simply worked itself out and shifted us closer and closer to each other, like it was meant to be, like the universe gave us some get out of jail free card and said, "just love each other; don't worry about anything else, it's cool, I got it."

he came home to boston, and now he comes home to me every night.

these have been the hardest, strangest, scariest, funniest, most exciting and new and beautiful two years of my life. he's my best friend, my schoolgirl crush, my partner, my protector, my favorite boy, my love.

Bob Roberts: ...You see these lovely young girls who don’t even look like they’re old enough to get in the shop and they’ve got a neck tattoo, they’ve got the back of their hand, they’ve got a dagger down the front of their chest and a skull that’s eroded and burned and spiderwebs - the girl’s 19 years old, for Christ’s sake. I take my hat off to them. If anybody came to me when I was 18 or 19 and said, “Hey, come on, Bob, we’re gonna go to the tattoo shop and get great big fuckin’ daggers from our necks to our belly buttons,” that sort of thing was nonexistent.

BME: It’s funny, because it’s not uncommon to hear people take that as a sign of younger people being too impetuous and not thinking things through.

Bob Roberts: No, listen, they’ve thought it through. It’s a saving grace. It dictates what you’re gonna be able to do in your life. God, if you get a bunch of fuckin’ tattoos like that, you’ll never be able to work in a bank, you’ll never be able to work for the FBI, and maybe people think, “Well, good, maybe that’s what I should do, then. It might save me from destroying myself.” And it does. It changes the way you look at yourself and it changes the way everybody else looks at you and reacts to you for the rest of your life.

the rest of the interview, which is fairly hilarious and also pretty interesting, if you are a body modification nerd.

I never answer these question of the day things because they are invariably idiotic but I feel compelled to make it clear that if you believe in UFOs, little green men, ghosts, spirits, jesus, leprechauns, divine intervention, santa claus, psychics, telekinesis, reincarnation, faith healing, people who speak to the dead, or that dogs actually enjoy wearing tiny sweaters, you are a god damn retard and I seriously hate you. you make life incalculably more difficult for all of us non-idiots.

furthermore, if anyone has ever spoken about any of these things in your presence and you didn't immediately conclude that they were insane and/or retarded, you are also retarded by proxy.

so that vagina biopsy bullshit was a giant fucking festival of SUCK. it hurt so god damn bad so all you motherfuckers saying it weren't no thing can just EAT IT because it TOTALLY HURT A LOT. plus, they put some like liquid band-aid on the biopsy sites, and when it comes out your cooter it looks like fucking coffee grounds, so I had like a god damn can of folgers in my underwear for a week. whatever the whole goddamn situation just made me ANGRY at LIFE.

but it's over and the results were normal so I am somewhat soothed. but now I am having OTHER PROBLEMS with my vagoo but I'm pretty sure I have told you guys enough and in fact I probably should have stopped providing details about my genitalia like several paragraphs ago.

jensen and I have actually taken the plunge and are now Living Together Officially, which I don't understand why we didn't just do that in the first place because now he has to get rid of his apartment that he never even lived in but he still had to pay $1500 for. obviously we are idiots. anywayz I love him and everyone kept saying that his trust issues would get better once he moved back home and that is exactly what happened. so we are fat and happy and we're getting a dog HOORAY!

uuuummmmm OH also jensen bought me tickets to go see the sunny day real estate reunion tour which I am SUPRA STOKED FOR. I don't really like SDRE but josh staples of the velvet teen will be there to play bass for the jealous sound (whom I also don't care for in any way whatsoever). so basically I made my boyfriend pay $60+ to buy tickets for us to go see bands we don't give a shit about, just so I can observe josh staples' beard with mine own eyes for like 10 minutes and then leave. A WINNER IS ME

I shall end this post by saying that I am now 22 years and 6 days old! my birthday was wonderful! I ate ice cream cake! ALL OF MY WISHES CAME TRUE!

in a couple of hours, a doctor is going to dig around in my vagina to look for cancer. more specifically they are gonna squirt vinegar on my cervix and then cut off any bad bits. do you know how excited this makes me? NOT FUCKING EXCITED AT ALL.

in the scheme of things, this procedure is pretty minor, but I DON'T CARE I AM FLIPPING OUT ANYWAY. they are gonna fucking BIOPSY my CERVIX. UN-FUCKING-ACCEPTABLE. LEAVE THAT CANCER THERE MOTEHRFUCKERS I WANNA KEEP IT. I'LL MAKE FRIENDS WITH IT. I'LL PUT IT ON THE FAMILY PHOTO CHRISTMAS CARDS. I just imagine my doctor going in there with a mag-lite and a pair of crayola kid scissors like "IT SMELLS LIKE FISH!"

I feel like I am gonna barf. I can't wait til afterwards when it turns out that this whole thing is utterly trivial and not even remotely worth the amount of terror I am feeling.

god I hate my vagina for doing this to me.

HUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

hi internet. I posted this already in some other communities but I'm re-posting it here because I can do whatever the fuck I want!

after like 2 or 3 years in the making I finally finished my sleeve. I am going to be honest and say that I am not totally thrilled with the results but I am pretty glad that it's over with. and now I have like 800 pictures for you, internet! some of them are pretty gross! awesome!

( seriously GIANT pictures of jellyfish and octopi )

boyfriend arriving in T-MINUS 1 HOUR

HERE ARE SOME PICTURES TO ILLUSTRATE HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS:





also, I believe I have discovered the least enjoyable activity one human being could possibly engage in at any point in their lives: shaving your lady parts, in 80+ degree heat, in a tiny bathroom, fumbling around in a slippery bathtub, with some cheap shitty shaving cream that smells like febreeze and old ballsweat.

that shit should be an olympic sport of SUCK. I would have like 40 gold medals right now, and that would still not quell my rage. I think my vagina is still sweating, GOD DAMN.

well ok so I'm at my parents' house and I was planning on hanging out with my dad all night while watching all the terminator movies and eating cookies but he's a huge baby and he went to sleep at like 9:30 because of some stupid shit like he's been up since 5am and he's been driving for 6 hours and he's old or whatever, I don't know.

but anyway I was watching terminator 2 by myself and eating cookies to soothe my loneliness and then I had a really good idea. like most of my really good ideas, this idea was borne from fascination, hatred and fear of the unknown.

I hate twitter and yet somehow I am inexplicably drawn to it. I don't understand what the fucking hell it is, or what vague purpose it serves, or why everyone thinks it's so awesome. so I joined it. for science. and maybe for some other reasons.

ANYWAY TL;DR I'M ON TWITTER GOD DAMMIT GIVE ME YOUR TWITTER NAMES LET'S B FRANDS

twitter.com/chunky_milk

ALSO HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS THING WORK

I can now put things such as chopsticks, pens, pencils and cigarettes in my ears

furthermore please note the matchingness of my plugs to my glasses



REJOICE, MORTALS

I am off to go spend a week on the beach at my parents' house, getting skin cancer and eating everything in sight! and also probably petting the ever-loving fuck out of my dogs! C U GUISE!

so I just saw jensen off at the airport and it will be 2 weeks before I see him again. understandably I am pretty bummed. however, while walking to the train station from the airport, listening to the saddest songs on my ipod and wallowing in lonely misery, this little kid and his parents were walking in front of me. the kid turns around and sees my sleeve, and his eyes suddenly widen to the size of dinner plates and he starts gesturing wildly at my arm with this explosively excited look on his face, like he had never seen tattoos before and suddenly his entire universe was shattered and then reformed, more glorious than anything he had ever known. seriously I am not kidding when I say this kid looked like someone just told him it was christmas. then he starts jumping around and tugging on his dad's hand trying to get his attention so he can show him my tattoos. I usually hate getting stared at but holy shit this was the greatest fucking thing I have ever seen. I gave the kid a big shit-eating grin and a thumbs up, and then I got on the train.

I am now vaguely convinced that the universe has some mysterious celestial way of making up for shitty things.

if you are my facebook friend you've probably seen all of these but whatever! here are the pictures from our first two weeks in PA! and also some 4th of july pictures! awesome!



( how did this get here I am not good with computer )

the end (FOR NOW)

HELLO INTERNET. I AM IN PENNSYLVANIA WITH MY BOYFRIEND. more specifically, in a little township called forks. it's right next to new jersey. jensen's mom enlisted us to dog-sit for her while she gets wasted in ireland for 3 weeks. so far, it is totally sweet for more reasons than I can possibly explain!

we've only been here a few days but so far we have accomplished MANY THINGS. allow me to tell you in detail about these things!

( THERE IS A LOT OF WORDS BEHIND THIS CUT BUT THEY ARE ALL GOOD )

synopsis for you illiterate fucks: I BROKE MY TOE, BITCHES IN ROLLERBLADES, FUCKING SINGING DOGS HOLY FUCK, MURDER BARNS, THE WII IS GAY BUT ALSO AWESOME.

I don't know, there is way more, and also a ton of pictures, but I need one of those fancy USB camera cables to upload them and jensen is a hooker and won't go find his cable and I'm an invalid now so I obviously cannot get it myself.

in related (and totally unsurprising news) I love the ever-living fuck out of my boyfriend and I am so thrilled that I get to have sex with him whenever I want.